5 Ways to Have Better Connection in the Bedroom

By Guest Contributor, Sacha Rockliffe

I often hear from clients that they’re feeling disconnected from their partner(s) during sex. They feel as if they’re just going through the motions without being fully present, or without feeling that same pleasure and excitement they once felt. They’re following a script they’ve rehearsed so many times they have it memorized, and they don’t even have to look at the page to know what’s coming next. Both/all partners are there — they’re playing their role, they know their lines — but the connection or intimacy is not.

So, how do we maintain a connection in the bedroom? How do we reconnect after a period of feeling like that connection has been lost? It’s not as complex as you might think, and no, it doesn’t involve lingerie and body chocolate (unless…). Here are five tips that can help you have a better sexual connection with your partner(s). There are more ways, of course, but I’m just here to provide you with a foundation for connection — the rest are for you and your partner(s) to explore and discover for yourselves.

Prioritize Non-Sexual Intimacy
Intimacy is more than just sex. Intimacy is time spent together, it’s non-sexual touch, it’s trust and vulnerability, it’s getting to know one another’s inner worlds. If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner in the bedroom, check in with yourself and ask the question I pose to all of my clients — “How’s the non-sexual intimacy in your relationship?”. If your answer is “The what?”, it might be time to reevaluate your priorities. Sexual connection is important, but without intimacy as a foundation — without fondness, trust, and mutual respect — it’s going to be hard to maintain. By prioritizing non-sexual intimacy, you may improve the emotional connection you have with your partner(s), which may then translate into better connection in the bedroom.

Communicate, Communicate, COMMUNICATE
I wish this one went without saying, but the truth is, those who aren’t getting what they want in the bedroom often aren’t asking for what they want. Many of us expect our partners to read our minds, to instinctively know what we want in the moment, and then feel disappointed when they don’t fulfill that need or desire. So, how can we avoid (or at least reduce the likelihood of) experiencing that disappointment? By communicating! I know, it can be awkward and uncomfortable to voice what we want — especially when we have been socialized to focus solely on the needs of others (thanks, patriarchy) — but, it is essential. Start by having these conversations outside of the bedroom. It helps to communicate our wants and needs while we’re in a neutral context; when emotions aren’t as heightened and there isn’t as much at stake. Then, when it comes to giving feedback in the moment, our partners are more aware of our needs and less likely to respond with confusion, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

Go Off Script
It’s easy to disconnect when we’re following the same sexual script we’ve rehearsed countless times. Have you ever been going through the motions, then your mind wanders to “What should I make for dinner tomorrow?”, or “I need to switch over that load of laundry after this.”? You know what I’m talking about, we’ve all been there. If you struggle to stay present during sex, it can help to put away that script you’ve been following and try something different. It could be as simple as doing the same moves in a different order, initiating sex if you’re not usually the one who gets things started, or trying something entirely new together. It may feel unfamiliar and awkward at first, but it may help you to stay present and be more attuned to your partner(s) in the moment.

Move Away from Goal-Oriented Sex and Toward Pleasure-Oriented Sex
What if the purpose of sex wasn’t to have an orgasm? What if the focus was on pleasure — on doing things simply because they are enjoyable and feel good, regardless of whether they end in an orgasm or not? By slowing down, paying attention to other body parts, and focusing on sensations rather than anticipated outcomes, we can develop a deeper sexual connection with our partner(s). Orgasms are great (for some, not all), but they’re actually not necessary for a pleasurable, satisfying sexual experience. So, take the pressure off yourself and your partner(s), slow down, and focus on finding what feels good!

Don’t Take Yourselves Too Seriously
Finally, if you take anything away from reading this, I want you to know that it’s okay to laugh during sex. Sex doesn’t have to be “perfect” every time. In fact, it rarely is. Our bodies make weird sounds, things slide into unexpected places, some positions are awkward, limbs fall asleep, muscles cramp, and sometimes you let out a fart — it happens! Rather than feeling self-conscious or getting frustrated that things aren’t going exactly as you envisioned, embrace it. Having fun and laughing with your partner(s) is one of the best ways to connect, especially in the bedroom.

Let’s Talk About Sex!
Do you have a question you want answered or a topic you’d like to see covered in an upcoming blog post? Email me at sacha@westlandtherapy.com (all messages will be kept anonymous). I’d love to hear from you! You can also find me here: www.sacharockliffe.com